I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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