I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
