Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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