A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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