You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
