that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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