i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
