We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I touched a dick in church today
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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