Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
