dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
