if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
