When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
