I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You are a genius and a whore.
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