If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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