Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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