I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
