I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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