here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
How does it feel to date your dad?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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