hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm like, not good at living.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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