I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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