plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
