i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
