My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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