There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
