My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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