hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
