when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
