Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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