There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
