it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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