Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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