I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
