Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
