So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
