I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
