Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
