My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
he fucked my hip out of place.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
