My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
