i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
