my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
