did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
