Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
