Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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