I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
