my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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