Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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