my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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