I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
