So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
