I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
