Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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