just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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